-ASK TINDERELLA: Tinderella is our resident sex and relationship advice columnist. Although she is a full staff member The Daily Orbit accepts no responsibility for anything she writes, says or does. In fact, we don’t even try to reason with her; she does what she wants. Read at your own risk -Regards, Daily Orbit Editors
Letter from reader 10/13/16
Dear Tinderella, I just purchased a big tall van. I’m so excited about it. I’ve been telling everyone about it, even the girls I talk to on Tlinder. But something very curious is happening. As soon as I start talking about my new ride the girls stop responding. One girl told me to go listen to “Mr. Tinkertrain” by Ozzie Osborn. Have you heard of this song? Please help. I don’t understand what is going on. Why have all my online dating prospects suddenly disappeared?
Dear Creepy Van Guy – Ok first of all Uncle Touchy, What you have purchased is commonly know as a “Rape Van” you might as well go driving around a pre-school you sick fuck. Did you buy the model that has the cargo cage? Does your van have dents coming outward? Just go buy No more tears and listen to track 1. The fact that you are so clueless about how creepy you are makes you even more creepy; you are the real McCoy. If you stay on the dating scene you may find a good fit, just expect that she will be visiting her dad at strange times of the day or night and not be in the mood for fooling around when she gets home. -Tinderella
Letter from reader
Dear Tinderella, please help! I am so busy with school right now. I don’t have time for a boyfriend. But my problem is, my batteries keep running out. I just can’t get off before my quarters are gone, lol. Should I buy Duracell? Please HELP!!! Sincerely, -Low battery life
Dear Low Battery Life, You know that they made vibrators that plug straight into the wall right?? I suggest you get yourself to an ADULT BOOKSTORE and buy your self a gift. In a short time you will see a ROI in money you will have saved in CHEAP BATTERIES!!! -Tinderella
About the long distance thing –Tinderella
You’re significant other already completed their time at community college and they are shipping off to University. You don’t want to terminate the relationship, but bae going off to university brings many questions to mind. Whether it is just SDSU or Stanford you have worries. Are they going to lose interest? Can it last? Are they going to cheat? Are you going to cheat? Things are just too unclear. You plan on staying together. Really it’s only another semester or two until one of you can make the move to join the other. You will still see each other at breaks after all. Here is the question, how do you keep things on track?
You have to set some realistic ground rules first. You both must realize that a social life in college is, in fact, important. Accept things will be different now as far as what you can expect from your partner. They will be going out to social functions without you. They will be in study groups and get texts from the opposite sex about class assignments. If you want it to work in the long run, you have to make peace with the fact that this is in a way a separation, even if you plan on remaining monogamous. You have to hold on loosely if you don’t want to lose the relationship. Questions, jealousy, fear of the unknown will eat you alive and destroy your chances of having a future together. If you are all in, and the two of you are making it work at all costs, you must trust them.
As women, we have a powerful effect on the mind of our men. Learning to talk dirty could prove to be very important. Dirty talk is something men cannot get out of their head no matter how far the miles between you. Phone sex, or sexting, could very well get you both through until the next chance you get to play dueling bedsprings.
You will have to sacrifice some peace of mind during your time apart, but that’s a small cost if this is, in fact, “The One.” Making sure both parties are on the same page is the first thing you should do. You do not want to go through months of agony just to find out that you were in it alone. Unless you have sat down and really talked it through together, don’t assume that this is what you’re partner is doing in a different area code. -Tinderella